When I Finally Make It Home

For several months now I 've comtemplated writing a blog about my father. Every time I began one, however, I deleted it. I just could never seem to put into words what I wanted to say about him, or his death. "We grieve, but not as those who have no hope." I Thess. 4:13

My dad was stern, but fair. He never wanted to say anything bad about anyone and if he ever did he would always end up regretting it and saying, "I really shouldn't talk about them like that, you never know what's going on with someone." My dad told alot of jokes, stories, and had a good sense of humor. He was loved and respected. He was a talented teacher and cared about everyone he ever met. He invested in people and wanted to believe that there was good in everyone. He worked hard and loved his family.

If my dad had been able to see into the future. If even a year ago he had glimpsed the morning that he would die, he would have sadly smiled.  He woke up, drank his coffee, started getting ready to go to work, and went home to be with the Lord. I don't think he'd have written a different ending to that story.

What you may not know is that my dad loved working. He never wanted to retire. He had no desire to fish, hunt, or do any extra reading. In fact, I can remember him telling me once years ago, he wanted to teach until the day he died because it was his passion.

Since his passing, people often wonder how I'm doing. I miss him. I miss him so much that sometimes I have a stomach ache all day. I cry a little less all the time. I don't cry because he's gone though. I don't cry because I wish he was still here. I cry because my little boys will never run into their grandpa's arms. I cry because Joshua will never say I love you grandpa, and because Jonas never had a chance to meet my dad here on earth.

I see my dad sometimes here and there. I see him in Joshua smirky smile, in Jonas's laugh. I even hear him sometimes in the advice I give, and something I treasure is knowing that he saw himself in me.

After the funeral was over and I was getting ready to head back home, I asked my mom what I could do to help her. I told her I'd come home whenever she needed me.  I'd do whatever she wanted. I asked if she needed help boxing things up, filing insurance papers, anything. She only told me one thing, "Whenever you miss your dad, and you start to cry and feel sad that he's gone, you go and get your boys, pull them in real close, hold them tight and tell them that their grandpa loved them very much. That's all you need to do for me."

I do that everyday. When I think of my dad and my eyes start to fill with tears, I go get Jonas and I take him over to Joshua, I pull them in real tight and tell them, " Your grandpa loved you so much." Then before one tear can spill over, I get up, wipe my eyes, and pull myself together. They may not see their grandpa here on earth again, but they'll know him. They'll know what a good man he was and how much he cared for everyone. They'll know, because I'll never stop telling them.

Not that long ago I heard a song on the radio by Mercy Me. I'd heard it a million times before but never felt a connection to it. Then just as it began, it hit me hard as the first line unfolded, "I'm gonna wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him that I've missed him." Frozen in that moment a tear ran down my cheek and I thought that's exactly what I'm going to do when I finally make it home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnTu0i9cj-I&feature=related

The Sounds of "3 year old"

Already this morning my 3 year old and I have had 2 conversations that began with, "Where are your pants at?" The second time those words came out of my mouth it got me thinking about all the strange things that are said at our house. Any house containing children is no doubt filled with ridiculous phrases, conversations and odd noises. These days I find myself in the strangest situations and discussing topics I never knew required discussion.

Here is a current sneak peak into our home:

"No Jonas's ears are not suction cups, and please stop pulling on them, they are attached to his head." (thank you veggie tales)

"Sweetie Jonas doesn't want any pop tart, thank you for sharing but he doesn't have any teeth." "Joe, why you have no teeth?" "Joshua take your hand out of Jonas's mouth!" "But, he have no teeth, Joe have no teeth, why? why? Why, Jonas have no teeth?" (this still baffles Joshua most days)

"Where daddy at?" "Your dad is working, he's at the church." "Dada drives School bus at church!?!" "No, daddy drives the school bus and then goes to work at the church."
2 mins. later, "Where daddy at?" "I told you sweetie dad's at work." "Joe, dada has school bus at church." "Joshua stop telling your brother that. Daddy does not have the bus at church. Wait what am I saying Jonas doesn't care. Joshua, go play." ( Luke having 2 jobs is super confusing for Joshua most days.)

Joshua still consistently stands up at church and declares "that's my daddy!"

The other day when Luke was out of town Joshua and I sat down for lunch while Jonas was napping. "Mom, Jonas is crying." "No he's not, he's sleeping." "No, He crying." I jumped up to check, but I still didn't hear anything. "Mom you better go, Joe is crying." "Joshua, he is not, I just checked." "ok, but he crying." I walk closer and closer still not hearing anything, I get right to where Jonas is, and he looks and me and cries a little. I picked him up and brought him to the table."See Jonas was awake." I'm still not sure how he knew it.

Here are some strange things I end up saying:

"Stop licking your brother's face."
"Why did you pee there?"
"Why would I have to tell you not to put sand into your ear"
"Stop hugging people we don't know"
"take your foot out of his mouth"
"Take that pacifier out of your ear and give it back to him"

That's just this week so far...
It's such an adventure here.

I'd Rather Be at Starbucks

This past week Luke took a short trip to Orlando to attend meetings for our Church Conference.  When we first found out that the meetings would be held in Florida we daydreamed about me going along. We honeymooned in Orlando 5 years ago and had such a fantastic time we always talk about going back again. We knew however that Luke would have no real free time and it wouldn't be the kind of trip we wanted to take as a couple.

As the trip drew closer and closer I would hear Luke mention its location with a somewhat guilty tone. I could tell that he was sensitive to the fact that he would be in sunny Florida while I stayed at home with the kids. After leaving home very early Thursday morning to head for the airport in Sioux Falls, Luke actually missed his flight. Fairly disappointed about the change in plans, Luke called to let me know he's be in Sioux Falls for a little while waiting for the next flight out. I felt bad that his day wasn't going as planned and asked him what he was going to do to pass the time as he waited. "I think I'll head to a coffee shop and work on my sermon, you know, do some studying at a Starbucks or something." "You're gonna get to go to a Starbucks! Why can't you just stay at the airport?" I questioned him with some rather heated jealousy. Luke just laughed on the other end of the line. "You mean to tell me that all this time I'm planning my trip to Florida and not once do you act like it's unfair, but the minute I mention getting coffee and Starbucks you're outrageously jealous?" My response - "But now you're going to get a quiet cup of coffee, I want a quiet cup of coffee."

After hanging up the phone I smiled as I reflected on our conversation and I thought - wow my life has really changed. There was a time when a trip to Florida would have been a dream come true and filled me with abundant joy. Now I just don't need a trip to Florida to make me happy, I'm sure I'd have fun and I wouldn't turn a free trip down or anything like that, but I'm happy with things the way they are. I'm content. I love being with my family especially my kids. It feels good to know that God has blessed me so abundantly that I already have happiness and I don't need to search it out.



Happier than I ever knew I could be

 When I was 22 and out of college I wanted nothing more than to travel and experience everything that I could. I kept thinking that exotic experiences would make my life fuller and happier, but to be honest routine and mundane chores make me happier than I ever knew I could be. I no longer desire a week long trip to recharge, I only need a 15 min. coffee break and I'm ready to be back with my family. When I take a day off to go shopping while Luke watches the kids, I barely make it to lunch before I find myself lonely for their company. I have no need to be jealous of Orlando. What a  strange realization that I already have everything I ever wanted. Proof that God knows better than me what I need.

That Silly Blue Lamb

Ode To Lambie

Oh lambie with your dingy blue fur and limp stuffing-less body you are more loved than any stuffed animal could ever be loved. There is not a moment that Joshua breathes that he does not share with you. If you are left behind for even a moment you are greeted with the joy and excitement as if you had been missing for a year. You love Joshua even when he is naughty, when he leaves you out in the rain all night, when you're covered in chocolate kisses, and even when you've been used as a napkin after spaghetti night. You love and understand Joshua at all times, and for that I am grateful.

Joshua with a few Lambies at the hospital

Batman &Lamie at halloween

I do not know what it is about this silly animal but he has captivated the attention of yet another Baker Boy. Jonas is enamored by Lambie. At first Joshua was excited about sharing his 'friend' with his baby brother, but now that Jonas is growing up more quickly and beginning to crawl Joshua's excitement has faded. I use to hear from the other room the sounds of the boys giggling and Joshua saying, "here you go Jonas." But now I hear cries and "that's not yours!"

You would think that a boy who has 3 Lambies could spare one, but think again.  Joshua forbidding Jonas from engaging with them has somewhat backfired and peaked his interest in them even more. If Joshua disappears into the kitchen for a snack the second he is out of sight I see Jonas leaning and inching toward the now abandoned Lambie. Just a brief moment later Joshua reappears in the living room and spying Jonas in Lambie's vicinity he races over and rescues his pal from tiny hands. I chuckle to myself enjoying the entire interaction and just as I'm turning away I see a sneaky smile creep across Jonas face and I tear up a little knowing that the relationship Joshua and Jonas have ahead of them will truly be an adventure.

Joshua and Labies first waterfront adventure

I'm not sure when the right time to wean Joshua off of Lambie will be. I think that Joshua will know. He already leaves him in the car from time to time when we head into walmart or McDonalds. Of course when he reunites with Lambie after the short break I can always hear him in the backseat giving Lambie a detailed account of all the things he missed while he waited in the car. I think that I will probably be more heart broken than Joshua when it's finally time to say goodbye to Lambie. After all he's been there through some pretty difficult times; many Doctor's appointments, cleft pallet surgery, potty training, Joshua's first big scrape, the day he first met Jonas, the first time he slept in his big boy bed, the first time he had the stomach flu, every road trip, every bed time and every nap. When I look through all the pictures I have of Joshua I can pinpoint exactly when Lambie showed up on the scene. From the day he came home from the store he has loomed in background if not at the forefront of everything Joshua has done and I have a million photos that document just that.

When it's finally time to leave Lambie behind I will no doubtedly tuck him safely away in a box and save him for someday in the future when it's time for him to head on a new adventure with Joshua. I'd never have thought he'd turn out to be so treasured. Maybe he'll even meet Joshua's son or daughter someday. You never know.

Just the other day worn out from being at church

Am I Sorry?

"For Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret..." II Cor. 7:10

Joshua is now at the age where I expect him to apologize when he's committed a wrong. Several times a day you may find him leaning over Jonas, kissing him on the head ever so gently, and then loudly proclaiming "saweee Joe." Before Joshua is allowed to leave his room after a time out I always expect him to say those magic words to me "saweee Mommy." But the other day it occurred to me, does he really know what he's saying? Is he really sorry? If he was really sorry would I see him apologizing to his brother over and over again? Then it dawned on me that these are questions I should ask myself.

A major part of following Christ is not only believing that he died for my sins but also being repentant of those sins and turning away from them. How often do I find myself acting no more mature in my relationship with Christ than my very own 3 year old acts. If Joshua pushes Jonas and apologizes, I expect him to show me he's really sorry by not doing it again. In fact there have been times where half way through his apology he takes a toy right out Jonas hand and is no better off than before the apology even began. How many times though have I been the same way.

How can we ever become truly sorry? An apology has to be a change in action, a heart change. When a student would tease another student in my classroom I would always make them apologize. Knowing so many times that all my action had done is delay their taunting until lunch or at least until they were out of my sight, I always hoped and prayed that child doing the teasing would think just long enough to realize that making someone else feel bad doesn't create anything but hurt. That kind of thinking however doesn't come from the head, it comes from the heart. How then can we change our hearts? Only God can do that, but we can pray. We can ask God to help us become more Christ like. In order to be truly sorry we have to ask God to change us and make us more like Him. Only then can I stop the cycle of empty apologies and instead move forward in my own Spiritual Growth.

A New Perspective of Mothers Day

The role of "Mother" continually challenges me as I bend and mold into the mother that I want to be for my boys. There are about a million times so far in my adult life that I have paused for a second and thought, "My mother is pretty amazing."  In about the first 30 minutes of a visit my mom will have already unloaded the dishwasher, re-loaded the dish washer, swept the kitchen floor, wiped down the counters, washed a load of clothes, started a shopping list. She is a whirlwind. My mother can clean my entire house, feed and play with my children, encourage me and still have time to go the grocery store all in one day. I use to be unfazed by what is clearly her "super mom" mode. I use to take it for granted and say things like, "but you didn't wash my favorite jeans, you know the ones that were under two sweatshirts and a jacket in the very bottom of my closet." I use to be somewhat embarrassed when she took time out of her busy day to drop me off and pick me up from school. I even use to complain that she asked me so many questions about my friends, my whereabouts, and my schoolwork. Now the thing that embarrasses me the most is my unappreciation.

Being a mom is truly the best and most difficult job I will ever work at. The other day one of our Youth Group kids asked me, " is being a mom really all that hard of work?" My quick response was an emphatic yes. "Why? What do you have to do?" the girl responded. My answer - Everything. A mom does everything. I'm not saying that the dad does nothing. That's not the case and is especially not the case at our house. My husband is a terrific and extremely helpful hands-on kind of dad.  A child, however,  needs everything and cannot do anything on his or her own. As I stay at home with boys and watch them growing up and changing I see just how dependent they are on me and how slowly but surely they need me a little less everyday. Someday they'll think that they don't need me at all, and then when they're grown men they'll need me again for something, a recipe they use to like, an opinion on something I know about, or even just a hug and kiss, but they'll always need me. That's the best kind of job security.

One thing that I think about often is whether or not I'm being a good mom, or what that phrase even means, a "good mom". I love my kids. I love them so much that sometimes I just walk over, pick them up, squeeze them, kiss all over their faces, and tell them over and over how much they are loved. I love the Lord and work at teaching them about God and all that he's done for us. I pray for my boys everyday, for them to love God like I do, for them to know Him and understand His love. We don't have lots of money, but we get by and I hope that someday my boys will think that the time I gave them was worth more than anything I could ever have bought for them if we'd had more money from me working.

When I was kid I thought that everyday was mother's day. My mom told me what to do and that made everyday a special day for her. Now I realize it's just the opposite. Telling your kids what to do it hard work. Before I tell Joshua not to do something I've already worried about him getting hurt, weighed and measured the outcome of each possibility and come to the decision I think is best for him, and still at the end of the day I sometimes lay awake praying that I'm telling him the right things. It can be exhausting. I now see Mothers Day in a completely different light. I look forward to giving my mother a present, choosing a card for her and telling her what she means to me. In fact I try to tell her as often as I can, just how much I appreciate her and  the sacrifices she made for me. I tell my husband all the time that I just want to be the kind of mom for my kids that my mom was for me, because I think she was and still is the best. Already today she's told me she loves me, loves my boys, thinks I'm doing a great job as a mom and wife, and is proud of me. She's more than a mom, she's my cheerleader and my friend.

My Mother with My Boys