An Ever Changing Canvas

One of the most vivid memories I have of my Grandparents' house is of their kitchen table. a table made of dark heavy wood, and large enough to seat  a crowd. The thing I remember the most however is the two worn spots where they always sat. The finish was worn almost completely off  in front of the two chairs where they enjoyed many meals and card games. I can remember thinking that they'd spent a lifetime together side by side just as their table suggested.

After Luke and I were engaged and we began thinking about what our home would look like, one of the first things we agreed we would need was a good kitchen table. We spent hours looking in furniture stores trying to decide which one we thought would best fit our home and budget. With Luke being a pastor we knew we would want to entertain alot so we would need a large table. We knew we wanted to have kids so we needed a table that you could easily sit a high chair at. We knew we wouldn't be monetarily rich so we needed a table that would last a long time. After shopping around we finally found a table that we thought was good fit for us. It was quite expensive but knew that it would be a good investment.  We planned to purchase it after returning from our honeymoon so we could use money from our wedding gifts to afford it.

Shockingly we were given the exact set we had been wanting as a gift. Several families at the church that Luke had been serving at went in together and purchased it as a surprise for us. It has turned out to be the best wedding present ever! Every time we have company, or even just sit down for dinner I think of what a blessing the table has been to us.

Yesterday I was cooking dinner while Jonas napped and Joshua sat at the table coloring. Looking over to where Joshua was hard at worked I smiled as I told him, "Only on the paper please." He mumbled okay and got back to work and I thought to myself, "that table has become an ever changing canvas reflecting the picture of our lives."

In the center of it is a small discolored area where just after we were married I set an extremely hot casserole dish down with nothing underneath and it scarred the wood. Instead of seeing a flaw there though, I see a memory of when our lives were just beginning together and I barely knew the first thing about cooking. The Chair where Joshua sits is a little stained from baby food, spaghetti sauce and whatever else has been smeared onto its surface. At the edges there's a little red paint from a time that Joshua and I were working on a craft together and missed the newspaper covering the surface. The list of added "imperfections" is not a short one, but that's what I love about it.

That table tells the story of our family. A few mishaps here and there, but all in all its still in really great shape almost 5 years later. Just as I wipe it clean time and time again the Lord wipes our slate clean when we make messes. Sometimes you can see a little imperfection left behind but God is molding us into something even better.

 Many people have sat at that table eating dinner, having devotions or playing games and felt the love of Christ through our family just like we hoped they would even before we owned it. In many ways it has played a intricate role in our ministry.

I look forward to the day when the finish is coming off our table just as it did my grandparents'. The look of it will have become something totally different, but something even better.

Making Memories Around our Table

                                                     

A Moment I'll Never Get Back

We have a saying at our house that we use when we experience an amazing blessing or moment of pure joy we say, "we'll never get this moment back." I'll look at my husband or he'll look at me, and the minute it leaves our lips our hearts just sort of sink into this happy comfortable place where we realize that the life God has given us to live is beautiful.

This morning Joshua I were listening to the  Juke Box and the John Denver classic "Thank God I'm a Country Boy" came on. Joshua ran over to where I was sitting perusing my facebook account and tugged on my arm begging me to dance with him. I stood up and paused to hear what was playing and tears filled my eyes. Not because I love John Denver, don't get me wrong the guy is folk legend, but because when my son was just a few months old and so sick we didn't know that he'd live to ask me for this dance, we would play this song and dance him around hoping to get a smile from him.

I couldn't believe that he still remembered that song, or maybe he didn't and it was just a coincidence that he happened to want a dance at that moment, but regardless it blessed me. I scooped him up into my arms, he laid his head onto my shoulder holding me tight, and I said to no one else in the room "this is a moment I'll never get back." For a brief moment all of the memories of hospital stays, Doctors office visits, and bad news on top of bad news sped through my mind. I closed my eyes as I danced him around and I whispered into his ear "God saved you my little miracle."  Surprisingly for what may have been the first time ever, he didn't ask to get down, push me away, or tug on my hair but instead he snuggled closer and smiled.



Joshua 6 months @ his last transfusion 



Joshua just a few weeks ago



1am A Story of Now & Then

Sometimes I wonder at how fast life changes. When you're a teenager everything feels like it's the end of the world and the days seem to last forever. Now very few things rattle me hard enough to knock me all the way down, and time seems to whiz past. Last night around 1am I was thinking about these things. I was thinking how 1am holds such a different meaning for me than it once did.

I can remember being 16 and dreaming of a day that my dad would find it appropriate for me to stay out past ten o'clock at night. I'm pretty sure my curfew was earlier than some 8th graders'. At that point in my life 1am meant freedom.  It represented a day somewhere in the future where I would make all of my own decisions and I was sure that for whatever reason, those decisions would involve staying our very very late. Driving home at a quarter to nine I often fantasized about what fun things happened at 1am.

Then fast forward 2 years to the long awaited age of 18 when 1 am took on a new meaning. 1am became a reality of silly antics with college friends, late night trips to walmart, middle of the night breakfasts at the local diner, and of course many a 1am spent cramming for college exams. At that time I was living 1am. I could easily stay up late and spend the next afternoon napping between classes. 1am defined college living, it was a necessity - and I loved every minute of it.

Now to the present day 1am - how things have changed. Last night at 1am I a felt an elbow in my side as distant crys began to break into my deep coma. 1am is  now is a time of day where I can barely crack my eyes open enough to stumble down the hallway.  The fun footloose version of 1am has now been replaced with drooping eyes, crying babies, requests for drinks of water, sometimes grouchy exchanges of words, and of course the sorry excuse for entertainment on TV. Naps that use to last for hours have now been replaced with 5 minute nod offs and now that I have 2 kids even the word nap seems to  have become elusive.1am is now a blur, a time that I fumble through trying to find my way back to sleep until that beautiful sun rises in the sky proclaiming the arrival of morning.

I think that this experience in life has turned out to be what some would call a classic case of be careful what you wish for.

66,000 Miles of Memories

I braved the -3 windchill and 8 inches of fresh snow to give the Jeep one final cleaning before saying goodbye to it today. Sometime this afternoon I will be the owner of a new Dodge Grand Caravan.

I dreaded making my way out into the snow and cold to collect our possessions because I feared the sadness of letting go of something that had been such a big part of my life. But much to my surprise I wasn't that sad. As I pulled out sippy cups, baby blankets, and Cd's it dawned on me that I wasn't saying goodbye to a part of my life, I was moving on with it. The things I was collecting were just that - "things." My life no longer consists of me and my possessions; it's so much more. I love the owners of those sippy cups, blankets and Cd's and they are the true blessings God has given me.

There's a verse in Matthew Chapter 6 that says, "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourself treasures in heaven. For where you treasure is, there your heart will be also. I thought that I'd be heart broken saying goodbye to my Jeep today, but I wasn't. My heart is not in that Jeep.

That Jeep holds 66,000 miles of memories. Memories from the day I purchased it, right up until the moment I said goodbye knowing that there a lot of miles between here and heaven, and it was a blessing spending a few of them in a '97 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Mini Van Mom

I drive a '97 Jeep Cherokee. When I purchased this vehicle 6 years ago I was single, just out of college and not thinking about cramming 2 children and a 6'5" husband into it. I love my Jeep. I'm not sure how most people feel about their cars and trucks, but for me a vehicle becomes a part of the family. You take it everywhere, you care for it, hate when it's sick and not running like it should, and you put your trust into its reliability. I can no longer trust my Jeep. For a year now it's been heading downhill and I've known that the day I would have to say goodbye to it has been drawing close.

Last night at 6:15 pm I realized that it's finally over between me and the Jeep. I was driving one of our youth group girls home when my car stalled 3 times and then finally died as I was turning into the driveway. The only thing more sad than realizing the Jeep is done for is standing at a crossroads wondering if I can bring myself to become....a van mom.

For as long as I've been married I've seen this day in the horizon and wondered what I would do when faced with this decision. I'm from the SUV generation. The Dodge Durango, Trail Blazer, Expedition, GMC Yukon, 4 Runner, no way will I be driving a van before I'm 35, generation. But last night after begging a neighbor for a ride, and checking our bank account I realized that I may just be pre-35 van driving mom.

Now there's really nothing wrong with driving a Mini Van. I know a lot of hip moms that pull it off seamlessly. On more than one occasion I've gotten into a friend's Mini Van and thought "hey, this is a pretty sweet little ride." The real question though is "Is it me?" Well I composed 2 checklists to see if I thought I cold be a 'cool' van mom. The first is a check to see if my lifestyle requires a van

Do I have more than 1 child?
Do I make more than 1 trip to WalMart a week?
Do I often travel with a stroller, wagon, pack'n'play or other large family related items?
Does my family have only 1 income?
Do I detest my toddler sitting close enough to kick the back of my seat on a 5+ hour trip?
Do I love a good Bargain?

Since I could answer each of these with a resounding YES. I made this followup list to check and see if my Hipness could remain intact with the purchase of a Mini Van.

Do I know what an ipod is?
Do I have a facebook?
Do I know how to use my facebook?
Can I carry on a conversation with a teenager and not make a fool of myself by referencing more than 2 famous people the teen has never heard of because they are "before his or her time"?
When running an errand at the Highschool can I still be mistaken for a student?
Can I type a text message with more than 2 words in less than 2 minutes?

Even though that last one can sometimes trip me up, I feel that I can infact become a Mini Van mom and still maintain my street cred. This Friday My husband and I will be checking into a Dodge Caravan and maybe by Monday I will be a hip Mini Van mom.

Almost 30

I'm turning 29 in a few months which isn't a big milestone, infact most of the people who read this will think that's quite young - and it is. I have just a little over a year before I turn 30. Even though 18 is the age when you are considered an adult I think that 30 is thought of as the age when you finally have to start acting like an adult, be responsible. Many times throughout my 20's I've done something and thought to myself, that's  probably something I can't do anymore once I'm 30. So here is a short list of things that I vowed I wouldn't do once I turned 30.

-Wear jeans with "stylish" tears and holes in them
- Use the word sucks to describe situations I dislike
- Wear sandals with no socks in the dead of winter
- Listen to Destiny's Child or any Beyonce' booty shakin' type music with my windows down
- Say "What up Dog" when I answer my cell phone

Really this list is much longer but I think this makes the point. I have one year left to get all of this nonsense out of my system. Will I actually no longer wear hole-y jeans once I hit the big 30? I'm not sure. I'd like to say that I will then be evolved enough to realize that old worn looking clothes are no more of a fashion statement than when I spill juice on my shirt mid morning and continue to wear it throughout the day, but in the end I'm not sure. So if two years from now you see me in January and I'm wearing torn up jeans with sandals, driving and talking on my cell phone telling someone how bad my day sucked while Bootylicious plays in the background - I think that it will be safe to assume I took a wrong turn somewhere. 29 I'm ready for you.